Welcome to the 3rd edition of “Offensive 3 in the Key.” If you are unaware by now, you are not in the know. What we do here on a weekly basis is try to update you guys on the stupidity and straight up non-sense that goes on in the NBAuniverse.
Without further ado, LETS GO!
Candidate: Amir Johnson
So news basically came out today saying that there were a number of NBA stars following Porn Stars on twitter. I honestly can’t think of a good reason to follow a porn star unless you’re hoping they might post a revealing photo and or video. Twitter? Really? Sickos! The award for our number one spot goes to Amir Johnson for following a grand total of 15 porn stars. Epic.
#2 heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy 😉
Candidate: Chris Bosh
Chris Bosh gets questioned about his sexual orientation entirely way too much. Give him a break, he’s got an illegitimate child or something for frig’s sake. The lady he had the kid with is even asking for 30,000$ a month, but that’s a different story for a different time. This face is priceless. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!
#3 Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers
Candidate: Chris Kaman
It appears that Chris Kaman is making a regular appearance on our Offensive 3 in The Key. Thank god for his willingness to share funky pictures on twitter. Here we have him drinking some “Vlasic” pickle juice. If you know me, you know I love me some pickles, but I don’t think I would be able to stomach that stuff. High blood pressure, here we come! I actually did some research while writing this article and found that pickle juice is actually not as bad as one might think. In fact, its actually got some nutritious benefits that put sports drinks like Powerade and Gatorade and even Hateorade to shame. Barring having high blood pressure, drinking this stuff can help energize you and even settle an upset stomach. Remember that next time you work out.
I like to think that I built my team around a solid core. I felt that I had a sizeable advantage in assists, rebounds, three’s, and points. I usually find that field goal percentages and free throw percentages can go either way, so I try to not focus too heavily on that aspect. My team wasn’t amazing in the field-goal percentage department but it also didn’t have anyone to sink my free throw percentages.
Of the 13 I drafted, 5 still remained in my final team. Those were:
Rudy Gay was absolutely essential to my team, his ability to do everything really kept my core from falling apart. He came back from a shoulder injury last season to be the primary scorer for the Memphis Grizzlies, and even meshed well with the return of Zach Randolph. Although I was a little disappointed with his drop in free-throw and field goal percentages this season, his ability to score, shoot the three ball, rebound, and steal made him a fantastic compliment with my next player.
Jeff Teague was my primary source of steals throughout the entire season. Although for a point guard he doesn’t rack up that many assists he does play very consistently. Considering it’s only his second year playing for a slow offense like Atlanta it was nice to see him almost average a three a game and just below 2 steals a game. He was also able to throw in the occasional block which was very surprising to me. Throughout the season I found that I was able to beat many teams because of my team’s underrated ability to block. With Gay and Teague throwing in blocks here and there throughout the weeks, the addition of my next player rounded out my universal team.
I certainly don’t hate you because you were a massive rebounder. Even though your scoring average doesn’t suggest it you came through with a massive game whenever I needed it. It’s amazing how bad the New Jersey Nets were with only Deron Williams as the reliable scorer. Thankfully Humphries stepped into the role with a polished offensive game, and massive put-back dunks. Toss in those points and Kris Humphries should go, latest, in the 6th round.
Like I said my team didn’t stand out in the blocks category but it did manage to beat those that were merely “average” at it. My next player almost never got a block a game though.
He led the league in assist to turnover ratio for much of the early season, and boy was he a spark plug to my team. He doesn’t hurt your team in any categories and you almost find yourself wishing that he would shoot more. On some nights he would go off for 20+ points with a bunch of three’s and still get double digit rebounds. Those were the nights that I loved the Spaniard. I wish the Raptors would trade him to a team that truly had offensive weapons and his skills weren’t going to waste with this constantly rebuilding team. My next player did the smart thing and looked for a smarter team.
I should not have taken you in the 4th round. Yeah you quietly put together a solid season behind Dwyane Wade and Lebron James but you were absolutely in March. March is when I needed you and you couldn’t get a single game with double digit rebounds. You scored in buckets but what I really need was consistency, without consistency I couldn’t play you when you’re going through a day-to-day injury. Without consistency, I just didn’t really feel proud of having you on my team, and without consistency I couldn’t get the same trade value for you because the other managers constantly say “well.. he had some bad games”
But you were still good. That’s how you made it this far.